


Moving On

by Larkawolfgirl



Category: Tales of Series, Tales of Xillia, Tales of Xillia 2
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Moving On, Parenthood, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5605885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larkawolfgirl/pseuds/Larkawolfgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the "Luger" ending. It would get better, they said. He would marry Lara and a new Elle would be born, they said. They were right. Life did become better, but moving on is never easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving On

**Author's Note:**

> If it is not apparent, italicized sections are memories.

It is a terrible choice either way, but it is a terrible choice he must make. Elle’s hand trembles in his own, but her smile is persuading. “Do it!” it demands in spite of what he himself wants. It would be easy to slip from this world. To see Julius again. To watch her live a happy life to maturity. But that isn’t what she wants. She wants to see her real dad just as much as he longs to see Julius. She wants to watch him live to meet Lara and give life to the real Elle. He clenches his eyes shut, broken by the thought of either option. Partial happiness, partial sorrow, regardless.

But this is what Elle wants, so he decides. Her tiny body thanks him before ceasing to move, somehow growing lighter in his arms. He pulls what is left of her to him, crying out as the others watch helplessly. Some of them cry, but their tears are silent while his are loud and ugly. He hadn’t wanted to lose anyone ever again. He hadn’t been strong enough.

On the way home they try to console him. He will find happiness with Lara, they say, but how can he ever find happiness in a world without Julius? He will get to live a long time with the real Elle, they say, but what does that matter when a poor, innocent girl is already dead? It doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done, and he will continue to live for both their sakes.

Life became a chore. With Bisley gone, Ludger was effortlessly assigned as the new Spirius president. Without anything else to do to keep his numbed mind preoccupied, he works tirelessly on reforming the shady corporation into a non-for-profit. Crime in Duval has reduced significantly, and Exodus has finally been put out of business. It is progress, but it will never make up for all that Spirius has done, so Ludger strives on. Perhaps if he does enough good his crimes can be forgiven.

Rugen Consortium, a network of humanitarian organizations, has agreed to partner with Spirius for future endeavors. Ludger knows he has a meeting with the new chairwoman, but he is idly sipping at a cup of coffee in the corporate lounge. It is his company; he can afford to make her wait a while. His GHS rings. Over the line, he hears Vera’s words and momentarily goes still. A second later he is rushing through the halls, GHS abandoned.

He enters his office out of breath and takes the young woman in. She looks so much like her, it’s stunning. Every single detail resembles an older version of her aside from her eyes, a vivid lavender instead of turquoise.

She smiles kindly and stretches out a hand. “Hello, Mr. Kresnik. My name is Lara mel Marta. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

By this time he’s crying despite himself. He misses Elle so much. The woman panics, asks if everything is alright. He nods his head as a small smile forms on his face. Not everything is alright, but for right now he hopes that someday it might be.

“Hey there, Ludger.” The voice he never thought he would hear again reaches his ears. His throat burns fiercely as tears begin to fall from his eyes. Ludger can feel the kitchen table biting into the skin of his hands as he grips it tightly. It is all he can do to open his mouth and stare. His heart feels ready to burst from his chest.

Julius stands there nonchalantly, as if none of the bad has happened, and through his blurred vision, Ludger sees him check his pocket watch before it disappears back from whence it came. He blinks his tears away as Julius walks to him with a gentle smile—Julius’ smile.

Ludger is sure his heart is going to burst when he stands up roughly enough to fling the chair he had been sitting in backward. His hands raise in a welcome as he says, “Welcome home, Julius,” a shaky smile settling on his face.

Julius’ long jacket swishes as he closes the distance between them enveloping him in a hug. “Sorry I was late,” he says making Ludger’s throat burn. He presses his face against his older brother’s chest, reveling in the comforting scent of tomatoes and lets the tears come. Gloved fingers touch his hair, brush against his scalp. He’s warm. “Ludger.” He breathes.

“Why did you leave me?”

“I didn’t want to. I tried my best for you.”

“I know,” he says, though it is painful to admit. Everything that could be done had been done. Fate was to blame. “But you’re here now.”

“Of course I am, squirt.” He says the word playfully, but Ludger can feel his chest tighten.

He raises his head, eyes glaring. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Yes. You have done very well, my brother.”

Ludger’s arms go around his neck and Julius’s circle around him automatically in return. He wants to scream, he wants to kiss him, he wants so many things, but time stands there frozen, until finally, he asks the question. “How long do we have?” His heart clenches, already knowing the answer.

Julius’ eyes shift, stray tears settling there now. He looks as if he is in pain, yet he smiles ruefully. His hand lifts in a farewell wave. “I can’t stay here.”

Ludger shakes his head as knives begin to stab at his heart. “But…you just returned. After everything, don’t I at least deserve more time?”

“Yes, you do. But I can’t give it to you.”

His voice trembles, is so quiet he fears it may disappear into the air. “But, I tried my best. I did everything I could.”

Julius doesn’t respond. Instead, he shimmers like sunlight over a pond. Ludger knows what’s happening, yet he tightens his arms in a fruitless attempt to keep him there. Julius’ image ripples before disappearing, leaving an empty kitchen. Ludger’s legs give out, and he falls to the floor, sobs racking his body.

The next thing he knows is gentle hands running across his check. When he opens his eyes he is met with lavender ones searching his own with worry. “Dear, is everything alright?” she asks.

No, it’s not. “Yeah. It was just a nightmare.”

“How about I make you some hot cocoa? Perhaps it will help calm you down.” She is so kind, it makes his heart melt. He’s always like this, living inside a distant shell of past trauma. But she is always gentle, always understanding, never prying. He thanks Origin for allowing him to hold on to her at least.

“Thanks,” he says, but he tugs her to him in an embrace. She sequels, caught off guard but doesn’t say anything. He holds her for a long time, focusing on the sound of her breathing and feel of her heartbeat against his side.

“If you ever want to talk about it,” she says quietly, “I’ll always be here for you.”

“I know,” he says, and soon restful sleep finds him.

“ _Julius…I want more.”_

“ _I can’t give it to you.”_

“ _But, Julius…” He pleads with his eyes as well as his voice._

_Julius gives him his elderly brother glare before he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Why, baby brother, must you make everything so damn hard on me?”_

_Ludger bristles at the words even though they hold no true malice. Then his brother’s arms wrap around him, and he sinks into him._

“ _Fine. But only because it’s you.” They kiss chastely, and Julius groans. “I swear I’ve damned myself.”_

_Ludger clutches the sides of his face, forcing him to make direct eye contact. Then he bores him with an intent stare. “You are not damned.” He says each word with force._

_Julius’ features soften. He covers Ludger’s left hand with his own. “I hope you’re right.”_

It is an odd sensation being loved by Lara. She is sweet and complacent. A single word from her can place a gentle cover over his wounded heart. It is different from loving Julius. Whereas his brother had tried to love him from a distance, giving in a sacrificing way, Lara is simply giving. She gives him the encouragement he needs, the touches that give him a purpose to want to come back from the dreams that whisper to him in ever seductive tones. Whereas Julius guarded himself with a crusted shell, Lara is soft to the core. She is beautiful and loving, and he tries his best to love her back. So little in life gives him pleasure aside from her that he finds himself embracing her every chance he gets. Though he would never trade the life he could have had, waking up in her arms is a paradise.

“Ludger!” Lara cries. Ludger turns to her quickly taking her in. She stands in the doorway, hand clenching something in her palm, tears resting in her eyes, hopeful smile plastered on her face.

“Lara?” he asks unsure what to make of the scene.

She kneels beside him, places a hand on his thigh. “Ludger, I’m pregnant.”

His heart stills. Elle. This has to be Elle. She is coming home to him. Tears find his eyes, and a smile spreads on his face. Lara’s own smile widens, and she nuzzles her face against his thigh.

“Would you rather it be a boy or a girl?” she murmurs.

“A girl,” he says without pause making her glance up. “And her name will be Elle.”

His wife blinks. “Yes. That is a nice name.”

“ _Hey, Ludger,” the little girl says, swinging her legs beneath her stool. “If I’m still here then, can we celebrate Christmas together?”_

“ _Would you like that?” He asks, giddy from the scoff she makes in response. One of the first things he learned about Elle is that she always denies what she wants most out of embarrassment._

“ _No. I just thought that if we are still together then we might as well, you know?”_

_He longs to muss her hair in affection, but he decides to play along with her. Instead, he crosses his arms and asks in a tone of only mild interest, “What do you and your daddy usually do for Christmas?”_

_As usual when her father is mentioned, she brightens immensely, eyes aglow. “Daddy always wakes up super early and makes pancakes covered with powdered sugar—it’s supposed to be snow—and raspberries. We eat it while drinking hot chocolate. Then we open presents and mess around with them until lunch. When it gets dark, we curl up in the living room together to talk and sing and read stories together. I love Christmas!”_

_Ludger can’t help but smile. “That sounds like a lovely time, Elle. Julius and I try to spend the day together as well, though I doubt we have quite as much fun as you do. Would you mind spending the day with Julius as well?”_

_She makes a face. “Glasses Guy?” She pauses in thought before blushing slightly. “I guess it would be alright. It would be unfair for me to steal his only family, right? Daddy taught me to be_ considerate _.” She enunciates the last word slowly as if it is tricky to say._

_Ludger chuckles which earns him narrowed eyes. “I’m sure Julius will appreciate it. You can show us how to have a true fun-filled Christmas.”_

_She shifts happily. “Yeah!”_

“ _So, you can sing, Elle? Can I hear some?”_

“ _What?” Her eyes widen. “I don’t really…” She closes her eyes and scrunches up her face. Then she opens them and sets them on Ludger with purpose. “Alright. But only if you sing with me.”_

_Ludger does muss her hair now disregarding the glare it earns him._

His gentle wife is constricted in pain, and he can’t help worrying. Her pain is so reminiscent to Julius and Elle’s. He can’t lose her. Not here. He flits around her nervously, and the doctors continuously chide him. Pain is a natural side effect of childbirth. She will be fine, they assure. But Ludger knows more than anyone that nothing is assured, especially not for him.

“Hey, I’m okay,” she tries to comfort, but Ludger just grabs her hand and squeezes. He squeezes so tightly that her skin begins to turn red and she doesn’t complain. He couldn’t squeeze tightly enough to keep Julius or Elle with him, but maybe he can to keep Lara and this Elle.

Lara screams as contractions hit. The doctors begin to scramble, gathering medical instruments of various kinds, running vitals and such, but all Ludger can think about are the final looks on his lost family’s faces. He remembers the look of hope, the faith they put in him. He can do this.

Elle is a tiny thing, barely 5 pounds, with tiny hands. He folds his hand around hers and remembers the feel of the other Elle’s draining grip as her life faded away in his arms. But this Elle is different. This Elle is breathing life. He snuggles her to his chest, sits as close to his wife as her hospital bed allows, and begins to rock back and forth slowly.

He feels his wife’s hand find his back and tug him against her. She hums a quiet tune to the baby who begins to coo in response. “Isn’t she just lovely?”

“No. She’s more than that. She is radiant.”

Life became easier. Elle is back in his life, but the differences are noticeable. This Elle knows the love of both her parents, and as relieving as it is, Ludger is different than Victor. His influence itself is changing her. This little girl isn’t nearly as bashful, but she dotes on her father just as much. However, it is also jarring for Ludger to be the one on the receiving end of so much fatherly praise. There is no denying the fact that they are the same person, though. She has the same gorgeous turquoise orbs, the same heartwarming smile.

Unlike Lara, the little girl is inquisitive about everything that makes him tremble at a mere touch, that makes him tear up at certain looks she sends his way, that wakes him in a cold sweat deep into the night.

“I lost someone very important to me. My brother, your uncle.”

Elle looks down frowning. “Mrs. Draden says you have _trauma_. She says it is caused by experiencing something very bad. Is losing someone _traumatic_?”

“Sometimes.” That is all he says, and she stares at him unsure what to say in response. “It’s not something I want to talk about, Elle. But perhaps I will tell you when you are older.” And he means the perhaps. He doesn’t like having the pain brought to the surface intentionally, and he doubts he will ever find the courage to explain how much Julius meant to him, or that it was his own hand that stole his life. He’s not sure he can ever let them both down by revealing that this life will never be truly enough since it is only due to their sacrifices that he can live it. That he doesn’t feel that he deserves to let the pain go.

Thankfully, she seems content enough with this answer and drops the subject for the time being. She grasps his hand, squeezes, and says she loves him. She calls him Daddy, and it is okay.

Years later, he and his friends (except for Milla) gather at Julius and Elle’s graves (which were placed side by side). They say that his eyes don’t look nearly as swollen as they have in years past, and he thanks them, tells them how much he appreciates the comment. The hand that has been a constant presence in his chest suddenly uncurls, and he can breathe more freely.

He lets the others speak before he asks to be alone. Of course, they say good-naturedly. Once he’s alone, he crouches right in front of Julius’ headstone.

“Hey, Julius,” he says. “I still can’t believe you’re gone. But, you don’t need to worry about me anymore. I realize now that I was far too dependent on you. You gave me so much, and though I miss it, I’ve learned how to live without you. Elle helps. I don’t know if I could continue without her back in my life. She’s older now, and soon she will move away, but I’ll be okay. For so long, I thought that letting go of my pain would be like forsaking you both. I thought that I might one day forget you without the constant aching reminder. Now I know that I was wrong. You never wanted me to suffer; that’s exactly why you both sacrificed yourselves as you did. I don’t need the pain to remember you by because in its place I have the love.”

“Ludger!” Leia called.

He glanced behind him and saw her jumping up and down while waving her arm above her head. When she saw him looking their way, she cupped her mouth and called, “We’re freezing our butts off here! Let’s head back!”

He laughed, then touched the headstone lightly. “Goodbye, Julius.”


End file.
